Existentialists Booted from Area Discount Clothing Store for Smoking

French Existentialists Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir were removed from an area Ross Dress for Less after Mr. Sartre refused to extinguish his cigarette.
French Existentialists Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir were removed from an area Ross Dress for Less after Mr. Sartre refused to extinguish his cigarette. Photo courtesy of Ross loss prevention employee Larry Constantino.

Auburn, CA — French existentialists Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir were removed from an area Ross Dress for Less clothing store when Mr. Sartre ignored numerous requests to stop smoking. Auburn police responded to a call from store manager Jess Gardner on Saturday who complained about an odd French-speaking couple who refused to extinguish their cigarettes while shopping.

“They were pretty weird when they entered the store,” said loss prevention employee Larry Constantino who first reported the couple to store management. “I’m good at spotting unusual things. It’s a part of our loss prevention training. You know, spot things before they happen. So when these two weirdos walked in, my tingling senses all went off. So I kept my eye on them.”

According to other store personnel, Mr. Sartre and Ms. de Beauvoir made their way through the store somewhat horrified. Dressing room attendant Dora Boone had two years of High School French under her belt, which was enough to understand their constant ranting.

“They were going on about how useless and pointless the store was,” said Ms. Boone in an official statement taken from the police report. “the man kept saying something about ‘everything has been figured out, except how to live’ and ‘we are our choices.” I honestly have no idea what he meant by any of that, but the lady who was with him seemed to like our bag selection.”

After approximately 15 minutes wandering the aisles and making various audible grunting noises, Mr. Sartre lit a large cigarette as he stood in front of Ross’ wall art section and calling “meaningless proletariat refuse.” It was at this point that loss prevention employee Constantino, who had been carefully following the pair around the store, intervened and demanded that he extinguish his cigarette.

“That when he got kinda rough with me,” continued loss prevention employee Constantino referring to Mr. Sartre’s raised voice and aggressive tone. “I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but he could understand me. They lady who was with him just glared at me. And to be honest, I was more afraid of her.”

At this point Mr. Sartre ignored loss prevention employee Constantino’s multiple requests to extinguish his cigarette, and given the gravity of the escalating situation, he snapped a picture, reported the incident to his store manager, as per his training, and she called the police. When the authorities arrived, Ms. de Beauvoir was trying on shoes and ranting about conformity, according to Ms. Boone. The police promptly removed the couple, without a struggle, and moved them to the outer edges of the shopping center.

When The Fazzler reached the couple for a statement, Mr. Sartre initially did not want to comment. However after several requests, he released a statement [translated from French].

“I am alone in the midst of these happy, reasonable voices. All these creatures spend their time explaining, realizing happily that they agree with each other. In Heaven’s name, why is it so important to think the same things all together.”

No charges were filed by Ross.

Roy Riffle
Roy Rifflehttps://www.facebook.com/roy.riffle.5
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

More from author

Related posts


Latest posts

Sotheby’s To Auction Off Original Prototype of MyPillow

Sotheby’s stuns with a once-in-a-lifetime auction, offering the original MyPillow prototype—purportedly stuffed with the essence of the American dream—set to redefine luxury sleep and history, one overpriced, patriotically infused bid at a time.

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.