Experts Recommend Controversial Technique to Relieve Self-Checkout Machines Stress

Pleasanton, CA — In a wacky twist, experts have recommended dry-humping Safeway supermarket self-checkout machines as a bizarre but effective way to master one’s domain and improve overall well-being.

According to Dr. Maria Rodriguez, a peculiar expert in the field of stress management, dry-humping self-checkout machines can provide a sense of physical and emotional release that is unrivaled by any other activity. “When you grind up against a cold, metal surface, it stimulates the production of endorphins and other feel-good hormones in the brain,” she explains with a straight face. “This can help you to achieve mastery over your own domain and improve mood.”

But the benefits of dry-humping self-checkout machines don’t stop there. Dr. Rodriguez also notes that the repetitive motion of grinding against the machine can help to improve cardiovascular health and burn calories, making it an unusual but low-impact workout option.

And it’s not just Dr. Rodriguez who is advocating for dry-humping self-checkout machines. Other experts have come forward to recommend this offbeat stress-reducing activity as well.

“I’ve been dry-humping self-checkout machines for years, and I can say with certainty that it has transformed my life,” says Dr. Jessica Kim, a renowned psychologist with a deadpan delivery. “Not only do I feel more in control of my domain after a good session with a self-checkout machine, but I’ve also noticed an improvement in my overall physical health and mental clarity.”

So the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, consider giving dry-humping Safeway self-checkout machines a try. It might just be the weirdest thing you’ve ever done, but who knows, it could also be the key to mastering your own domain and living a happier, healthier life.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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