Feds Bust Local Dolphin Masturbation Ring

Nevada City, CA — The FBI has raided a camp that has been keeping dolphins captive for nefarious purposes. Six people including one local restaurateur were arrested for animal abuse, bestiality and selling unlicensed animal products.

F.B.I. lead investigator Leo Crenshaw spoke to Beacon about the ongoing investigation.

“They were masturbating the dolphins and selling it to local restaurants as a ‘food dressing’,” said Crenshaw. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, a kiddie pool in the woods is no place to keep a dolphin”.

A team from Sea World in San Diego was dispatched to assess the condition of the dolphins and prepare them for transport back to a rehabilitation center in San Diego. They were shocked at the inappropriate behavior of the dolphins. When one of the Sea World specialists approached them, they would roll on to their backs. According to dolphin expert Seana Seaman, the dolphins were in good health and seemed very relaxed.

Many local restaurants are now under investigation for purchasing the dolphin sperm. Sheriff Moon has been placed in charge of the investigation but does not expect charges to be filed as he feels that it is the restaurant’s Constitutional right to serve anything they want. Although according to officials, the Sheriff’s MRAP was used in helping rescue the exploited dolphins.

Several local taquerias were hard-hit by the bust. Authorities found a handwritten recipe book in restaurant by the owner. All that the Sheriff would tell us is that all the creamy sauces were in fact made with dolphin sperm.

Many of the affected restaurants are offering up refunds and free meals to patrons who ate the dolphin sperm laden sauce. Contact your local restaurant to see if you are due a refund and free meal.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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