Female Cast as Next Incredible Hulk

Anoush Belian is a female bodybuilder from East Jerusalem will play the Incredible Hulk.
Anoush Belian is a female bodybuilder from East Jerusalem will play the Incredible Hulk.

Hollywood, CA — In his typical bold, trendsetting movie making style, director Quentin Tarantino has announced that his new The Incredible Hulk will feature a woman in the starring role. Anoush Belian is a female bodybuilder from East Jerusalem, Palestine and is perhaps best known for being the first female Palestinian bodybuilder to both enter and win an Israeli bodybuilding competition.

Quentin Tarantino’s “The Incredible Hulk” is scheduled to be released by Christmas of 2017. Tarantino assured us that the new star was more than up to the task.

“She came in, she had this tremendous body. I did, I got up and walked all the way around her – only way I could actually check that what I was seeing was real without pinching myself,” babbled Tarantino in a Skype talk with The Fazzler staff, “I knew right then that they could send the other ‘possibles’ home. Auditions are over. We had our new Hulk.”

Ms. Belian immediately accepted the role when offered, and she received the $100 million dollar paycheck written out for $77 million with a beaming smile. She was the only woman to audition for the spot. There were 67 others also vying for the coveted role – all male. A role once played by the great Edward Norton.

Not all of those auditioning took the news that they were being sent home lightly. A relatively unknown actor from the late 1970’s named Lou Ferrigno turned a little green upon hearing the news. Tarantino told us of the encounter.

“The guy’s huge, right? And he’s fuming, yelling at everybody. He’s throwing Skittles and coffee mugs around the room. He’s threatening to rip my “weaselly little arms off” when this big bitch (he hooks a thumb at Anoush who’s standing behind him in the Skype view) walks up and practically throws the green guy through the studio door. I thought she was going to rip his little arms off.” Quentin shook his head for a moment and added, “She did yell at him that she loved his work when he wasn’t 74 years old.”

The film is being shot on location in North Korea according to Mr. Tarantino, and there have been hints that there may be some peculiar twists on some of the older comic plots within the movie.

“We want to stay true to the original storyline,” explains Tarantino, “so when Dennis Rodman said we could film the whole movie on location in Pyongyang, for what is pretty much a bribe to the little President Chipmunk motherfucker Un over there, we decided that’s where the story needed to go. We just wrote it up like that so Rodman could make a buck, and we could roll this brilliant new Hulk out on the cheap.”

Tarantino has hired Dennis Rodman to manage the logistics of the shoot, which is expected to last three months. Lloyd’s of London has agreed to provide ransom insurance to the entire film staff, cast, gaffer, laffer, tautman, and crew member during the filming in Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

“Did I mention that Anoush Belian is fucking perfect for the role, by the way? She is the Hulk and she is beautiful. Everybody’s gonna love it!”

Our interview was cut short when Kim Jung Un cut the power to Tarantino’s hotel.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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