Gavin Newsom Suggests Draining Lake Tahoe to Solve Future Droughts

North Shore Lake Tahoe, CA — California Gavin Newsom and Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak signed emergency State Senate bills last week to help ease water shortages due to the record-breaking droughts in their respective states.

The approved bills state that the Truckee River Dam (Lake Tahoe’s only outlet) will release nearly ten times the average water volume out of Lake Tahoe until the states’ reservoir waters return to normal levels. Two-thirds of that Lake Tahoe water will funnel towards the Central Valley and Southern California, and the rest will flow to Reno and Pyramid Lake in Nevada.

California and Nevada have been hit the hardest past years’ droughts. Nearly 40% of the state of Nevada was in extreme drought in summers past, and California had the nation’s worst drought a few years back, with 76% of the state experiencing severe drought. Governor Newsom is prepared to declare a state of emergency if required on a moment’s notice.

The shortage of potable water has been so severe in the past, that California is now investing in long-term solutions, such as desalination plants. A facility that is scheduled to be the largest in the Western hemisphere is currently under construction in Southern California, and another desalination facility is under consideration in Orange County.

Governor Sisolak tried to reduce concerns about lowered water levels in Lake Tahoe.

“In autumn, winter, and spring, when it’s as cold as a witch’s tit in a brass brassiere,” noted Governor Sisolak, “nobody will be out on the lake anyway.”  The Governor also stated that Lake Tahoe’s water levels are a renewable resource supplied each spring from the melting snowpack of 63 streams.

Governor Newsom backed Governor Sisolak with statistics from The University of California, Davis.

“No need to worry about where we are today, in the short-term. Just try to wrap your head around some numbers,” announced Governor Newsom.” Lake Tahoe has 39 trillion gallons of water. Thirty. Nine. Trillion. Gallons. That is enough water to supply everyone, man, woman, and child in the United States with 75 gallons of water per day for five years. And we only need to tap into Tahoe until the state reservoir levels are back to normal, which we estimate to be four to twelve years from now.”

Initial reaction to the news by Tahoe locals ran the gamut of emotions. The Fazzler asked chairlift operator and bartender Jason Munkel, of Tahoma, California for his opinion outside a Pythagorean Bogina concert in Crystal Bay, Nevada.

“Initially, I was super bummed that we were wasting all this water to keep the lawns green down in Bakersfield or wherever,” said a somewhat befuddled Mr. Munkel, “but I think we might see some of the best whitewater rapids ever on the Truckee River. I’m going kayaking with a couple of my buddies after Labor Day weekend, from Tahoe City down to Pyramid Lake, and we will record it with the new GoPro® HERO3+ cameras. Look for us on YouTube. It’s going to be sick.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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