Home Depot Targets Zoomers with PridePlanks Rainbow Lumber

Dublin, CA — The announcement that Home Depot, the stalwart of suburban home improvement, will begin selling rainbow-colored 2x4s under the brand name “PridePlanks: Building Equality One Board at a Time” at select locations on the West Coast, including Dublin, California, came as a complete surprise to everyone.

The news came as a complete bombshell. The announcement has left many traditional customers completely perplexed, as they now find themselves surrounded by an explosion of vibrant colors in the lumber aisle, which was previously monochromatic.

“We felt it was time to embrace the diverse palettes of our customer base,” said an unnamed spokesperson for Home Depot while wearing a rainbow apron. “After all, who doesn’t adore adding a dash of color here and there throughout their home improvements? We also can’t ignore the tastes and preferences of the younger generation, also known as the Boomers, who have demonstrated a clear affinity for bright colors and self-expression.

Many people are taken aback by the decision, as the company has long been known for its conservative leanings. As a result, it has frequently served as a haven for suburban do-it-yourselfers who prefer their lumber without a side of social commentary. On the other hand, it would appear that the company is moving in a different course, much to the dismay of its traditional fan base and the delight of the Zoomer crowd.

To add insult to injury, the decision has inadvertently built a bridge between the exploited migrant workers and the conservative customers who shop at Home Depot. These exploited migrant workers frequently congregate outside of Home Depot stores in search of work. Both parties have realized that they are perplexed and surprised by the extravagant makeover of the lumber aisle. This has brought them together.

One migrant worker could be seen scratching his head and exclaiming, “It’s incredible!” as he gazed upon the technicolor beams. “I never in a million years thought I’d see the day when Home Depot embraced the rainbow.”

Kid Shapiro Reacts

Both Ben Shapiro, a conservative commentator, and Kid Rock, a musician, have been outspoken in their criticism of the LGBTQ+ and Trans communities, as well as Anheuser-Busch, in recent weeks, and their anger has been stoked by the introduction of PridePlanks.

Shapiro took to Twitter to respond to Home Depot’s decision to sell lumber in rainbow colors and stated, “Home Depot has gone woke. What should I do now? Gender-neutral power tools?” Not wanting to be outdone, Kid Rock posted a video to Instagram of himself using a sledgehammer to destroy a stack of PridePlanks. The video was captioned, “Keep your colors out of my lumberyard.”

Others, particularly Zoomers, have embraced the new additions to the lumber aisle and are excitedly discussing the endless possibilities that await them in their upcoming home improvement projects. While some customers have threatened to boycott the chain in response to this bold and colorful move, others have said that they will continue to shop there regardless.

One more experienced shopper who identified themselves as a traditionalist admitted, “At first, I was skeptical. But now that I have them, I can’t wait to construct the new fence in the backyard using these PridePlanks. My neighbors are going to have no idea what hit them!”

In the meantime, Zoomers are already sharing their inventive plans on social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, which is generating excitement and buzz about the colorful lumber.

After the dust has settled on this game-changing decision, one thing has become abundantly clear: the lumber aisle at Home Depot will never be the same. And it seems that the company’s commitment to embracing color and catering to the younger generation is only just beginning, as rumors are circulating about the possible release of a line of glitter-infused cement.

The only thing one can do is hope that the bigots will eventually become weary of their never-ending battle against progress. Still, until then, the world will continue to turn and advance regardless of whether or not they like it.

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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