How to Make Fucking Refried Beans, by Loretta Splitair

Loretta Splitair, The Fazzler's Culture Critic.
Loretta Splitair, The Fazzler’s Culture Critic.

[Editor’s note: this is The Fazzler’s Loretta Splitair’s continuing series on how to stop being a pussy, and cook. Be sure to read her other lesson entitled “How to Cook a Fucking Rib Roast” or “How to Roast a Fucking Whole Chicken]

Hi. Before we begin on this latest culinary journey together, I want to point out that this lesson is probably the easiest one so far. Even easier than my “How to Make a Fucking Iceberg Lettuce Salad.” So why are we discussing something that could be easily found in a can at the Supermarket? Well that’s easy to answer. The refried beans you get at any supermarket are:

  1. Expensive as fuck
  2. Are completely devoid of flavor, which your mouthy and thankless children probably enjoy. However you know this makes you a horrible parent for not challenging their culinary horizons.

Well your parenting guilt is easily fixed with the following recipe that not only your children will love, but it makes a kick-ass pot of refried beans.

Now there are two ways you can do this:

  1. The longer way, which involves rehydrating dried pinto beans over night, which frankly is a pain in the ass.
  2. The shorter way, which I prefer, which tastes almost as good (good enough) as the longer method. This method required that you get whole, canned pinto beans.

What You Need

Preparation (10 minutes)

  1. Heat a  large sauce pan over medium heat.
  2. Once hot, add bacon and onion. Cook for approximately 5-7 minutes or when the onion turns translucent. Stir frequently to cook evenly and avoid burning.
  3. Rinse Pinto Beans in colander with cold water, drain and add to bacon and onion. Do NOT drain the bacon drippings. Don’t be a pussy.
  4. Next add the garlic, salt, cumin seed and stir.
  5. Allow mixture to cook together for 3-5 minutes, stirring frequently.
  6. Now add 1 cup of hot water and start to blend the mixture together until it starts to resemble the consistency of refried beans.
  7. Add additional hot water until the mixture you prefer. Some like their beans dense (like me); some prefer runnier mixes.

That’s it. Serve immediately

Other “How to Fucking Make Things” from Loretta:

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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