Laser Hair Removal Accidentally Severs Man’s Scrotum

Auburn, CA —  A local man has been released from the hospital after doctors were able to partially reattach his scrotum after it was accidentally severed during a laser hair removal session. Penn Valley, CA resident Dustin Jayce Dickens was rushed to the emergency room Friday afternoon after a technician at The New You Laser Treatments salon in Auburn, CA used the wrong setting on the hair removal device.

“It’s not something I want to talk about,” said Mr. Dickens who was recuperating at home, “but if I can prevent this from happening again, I have to do so. All I remember was the technicians saying ‘This is gonna sting a bit…oh shit!’ and then she started screaming to call an ambulance. I felt nothing until I looked down and passed out.”

Mr. Dickens had gone into The New You Laser Treatments facility to have body hair removed from various parts of his body, including his pubic region.

“It cost a lot of money,” continued the 5 foot 6 inch Mr. Dickens. “Like $1600 for a one-hour treatment. Anyway, I heard that trimming your junk down there makes it look bigger if you know what I mean. I didn’t think I need it, but someone said that because I drive a Dodge RAM 2500, people are gonna think my dick is small. Which it isn’t, I’m saying. I’m just saying it couldn’t hurt to clean things up down there.”

A spokesperson for The New You Laser Treatments, a national chain based out of  New York City, said the incident is being investigated and was a “one-off freak accident.” New You Director of Public Outreach Bethany Millbright suggested that the initial findings indicate a lack of training.

“Our technicians probably installed the wrong lasers,” said Ms. Millbright in an early morning conference call.  “They were the same size and voltage, just higher wattage than we needed. I mean, you can imagine what happened. They meant to singe some follicles, but instead, some testicles got evaporated.”

This isn’t the first time New You has been in the news.  Started in 2014 by a group of private investors, the New York state official conducted a 2016 investigation after receiving complaints that the minimum wage technicians were not receiving the training necessary to perform a dangerous job. Although no wrongdoing was found, New You promised to step up its corporate training program and hire an outside firm to audit its safety protocols. It’s unclear if either of those actions happened.

“We’re seeing more and more of this in our economy,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Public Policy. “And this is all linked to the underlying issues of wage inequality. We have increasingly more unskilled working class taking jobs at very low wages and big companies not providing the training to do dangerous jobs safely. I speak for every man when I feel for Mr. Dickens.”

The Placer County Department of Safety has planned to investigate the incident. CalOSHA has also planned to visit all 67 New You locations throughout California. The company has promised to cooperate.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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