Local Rooster Inspired by Caitlyn Jenner: Seeks Cow Reassignment

The Famous Ridge Feed And Supply chicken is seeking to be a cow
The famous Ridge Feed And Supply chicken is seeking to be a cow

Grass Valley, CA — Neighbors surrounding the Ridge Feed and Supply store on Ridge Road learned that the iconic Mascot Chicken is seeking a “Species Re-Assignment” surgery after learning about the trials and tribulations of Caitlyn Jenner.

“I’m not a chicken,” said the chicken in an exclusive The Fazzler interview. “I’m a cow. My inner chicken is really a cow. I want to be a cow.”

Thousands of people drive by the chicken each year and it is a symbol of a well-run, long-standing Grass Valley business. According to sources close to the regal chicken, it became inspired to act on its cow desires after watching a documentary about Caitlyn Jenner on the Cable TV channel “E”. When news broke of the pending cow-assignment surgery, it came as a surprise to neighbors who were concerned about the well being of the chicken.

“Holy cow,” said Chip Day of Grass Valley scratching the back of his head. “All these years that chicken has been really a cow. I mean it looks like a chicken. But it’s really a cow. On the inside.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing just what type of cow the chicken wants to be. However the chicken was clear about one thing: no deer.

“I have no plans of becoming a deer,” said a cocky chicken. “I mean, everyone wants to be a deer because that’s all people talk about. Deer. Deer. Deer. ‘A deer in my yard.’ and ‘My brother trucked a deer with his Suburu and totaled it. And now he’s banned from Facebook.’ and ‘I got Lyme disease from my pet deer.’ I’m sick of it. I’m going to be a cow.”

According to the neighbors, the neighborhood just won’t be the same without the chicken, but most are wishing the creature a speedy transformation and recovery.

“We want the chicken to be the best cow it can be,” said next door neighbor Fred Donally. “Everyone should be able to be that person, I mean animal, they are suppose be.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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