Many Billionaires Warn Americans of the Dangers of Socialism

Seattle, WA — Several billionaires took to social media this past week to warn the American public that socialism is dangerous. The Galt Alliance group wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from “moochers who don’t contribute to society.”

“We want to make it very clear that we honor the determination of the working classes,” said the Galt Alliance in a Tweet earlier this week, “because without them, we wouldn’t have a strong America. Unfortunately, it’s billionaires who provide the capital that makes things work. It’s the moochers we all have to be worried about.”

The top wealthiest 1% possess 40% of the nation’s wealth, while the bottom 80% own only 7%. This has been exacerbated in recent years by recent tax reforms, which shifted even more wealth to the country’s most prosperous via tax breaks and stock buyback incentives that heavily favor the wealthy.

The Galt Alliance calls this data “fake news.”

“We love debt and labor. It motivates us to earn and keeps you employed with us. You see, we are just like you. We get up every morning and put our pants on one leg at a time, just like you. Except our underwear is threaded with gold, and we have our tennis courts. Say, when you get a second, would you sweep number 4? We’re having a get-together later on. Thanks.”

For their part, most Americans cherish their billionaire overlords.

“Hey, I’ve never worked for a poor person,” said Hensen Calberts, a Memphis construction worker and father of three. “I mean, they make their money just like I do. They make their money with money, while I make mine with my bad back. It’s the lazy libtards who don’t want to make an honest buck. I mean, I’ve earned my disability.”

For their part, when reached for comment, the Galt Alliance finally admitted that it didn’t care about the working classes.

“Look, all we care about is appeasing them. The last thing we need is some revolution. Because we know where that leaves us. So we have to convince them that it’s their idea to worship us and hate anyone who doesn’t look and act like them. It keeps their feeble minds busy and in debt.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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