Massive Brawl Breaks Out at Local Starbucks

Starbucks Grass Valley
Starbucks Grass Valley

Grass Valley, CA Tensions ran high on Wednesday morning when a fight broke out between patrons waiting in the Grass Valley Starbucks drive thru. Many who had been waiting for the coffee giant’s new offering, a colonic service.

According to Starbuck employees, who chose to remain anonymous pending a corporate investigation, the incident started with a man and a woman arguing about who was first in line. And as a result of this, this caused a backup into the parking lot and onto Freeman Lane. More under-caffeinated people became  involved until it turned into what one employee called, “a free-for-all baseball-style fight.”

“I get to Starbucks each day at precisely 8am to get my Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato,” said Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge. “Precisely. Anyhow, I’m making my way in past the Carl’s Jr. and I start to pull in, and this [deleted] guy in a Jeep cuts me off, nearly missing me by an inch. So I got out of my car to tell him.”

There were Police in the parking lot, however they did not engage in crowd control due to the fact that Starbucks employees are trained to deal with such outbreaks from decaffeinated customers.

Experts aren’t convinced that caffeine is a dangerous addictive drug as say cocaine or amphetamines because it behaves differently in the body. However the daily routine of say, coffee coupled with its mildly addictive qualities, can lead to increased irritability and anxiety in people. Add in the modern stresses of a drive thru, and you have a perfect storm.

“There were purses and shoes flying everywhere,” noted one bystander. “One guy threw a cat at this lady. Who has a cat in their car?”

Starbucks typically does not discuss customer behavior, but admitted to The Fazzler that the demand for their beverages and other products far exceeded their expectations when they moved into the old Arby’s building. A spokesmen for the chain said they’ve dispatched a special team to investigate opening a new store nearby to meet demand.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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