Michael Moore Terrorizes Area Buffet

Los Angeles, CA — Michael Moore is a controversial and often outspoken film producer. His documentaries include Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11. He is often the target of right-wing politicians with his rhetoric, and he appears on many newscasts as a commentator.

The Fazzler has learned from a source close to Mr. Moore that he often terrorizes buffet restaurant owners. He will often call and whisper into the phone, “I’m coming for you. There will be nothing left,” before hanging up.

Qiu Guiying, owner of the China Chamber Buffet in Tustin, CA, spoke to The Fazzler about a recent run-in with Mr. Moore.

“He comes in here all the time,” exclaimed Mr. Guiying. “He doesn’t leave a tip, and he stays for four hours.”

Many buffet restaurants have already been the target of Moore’s wrath. No fewer than 12 restaurants have had to close after Moore’s visit. Tony Fiorinni, the owner of Capo Pasta Buffet in Ontario, CA, is the most recent casualty to fall to Moore’s onslaught.

“I can’t believe dis guy. He came in and just started eating straight off the buffet, didn’t even use a plate!” said Fiorini via phone. “I lost $4 Large that night, he had the balls to come back again, I told him to leave, and he threatened to file a lawsuit for discrimination. So what could I do, now there’s nothing left, my kids cannot go to college?”

Every buffet owner we spoke to had the same experience. Each has been devastated by the losses and terrorized by the phone calls. One restaurant survivor said, “I had to keep him from coming back, so I changed to a vegan buffet.”

Dedicated To The Memory Of Comedian John Pinette.

Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.

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