Modern Country Music Used To Disperse Protesters

Grass Valley, CA — A group of unruly liberal protesters quickly dispersed over the weekend using nothing more than modern country music, according to the Grass Valley Police Department. A relatively small collection of North San Juan anarchists, aging Nevada City Boomers, and Grass Valley essential oils home business owners gathered on the corner of Auburn and Main street to protest police oppression.

After about 30 minutes, according to the police report, the group grew aggressive with automobile traffic for some unknown reason.

“Oh, they know,” said Karen Davies of Grass Valley, speaking her mind. “The guys from North San Juan started telling everyone else that we were part of the problem too. Then they started yelling at cars. One white guy, who’s called himself Samayamantri Rama, got so mad that he took a crap right on the sidewalk for some reason. That’s when the people in the cars started shouting back.”

As things escalating, the Grass Valley police tried to calm the crowd politely.

“Well, we tried to do things gently,” said Officer Kenton Davies. “But believe it or not, it was the people from Nevada City causing the most trouble. The sergeant said to call in the Sheriff’s MRAP, but I had a better idea.”

It was at this point that Officer Davies backed his patrol car into the parking lot just behind the protesters, opened all the doors, and blasted popular modern country favorites.

“I was like, what is that shit?” Questioned Jerry Catherder of Nevada City. “It was the worst thing I ever heard? A guy in a Dodge pickup truck pulled up and shouted something like, ‘how do you like Zac Brown, asshole?’ And I said this is the worst thing I ever heard.”

As officer Davies rifled through “God Given,” San Hunt’s “Kinfolks,” and several other awful modern country disasters, the protesters first grew annoyed, then covered their ears, and within minutes had left the scene.

“It was a huge win for everyone,” continued Officer Davies. “No one got hurt, and I got to listen to a little country music. That’s what we call a win-win.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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