Public Still Trying To Discern Local Woman’s Cryptic Facebook Updates

Facebook — Friends, Family, and casual social media stalkers admitted late last week that they have no idea what area woman, stay-at-home mom, and avid Facebooker Shelly Wagner is trying to say on the popular social medium. Ms. Wagner, 34, has constantly been posting cryptic status updates and odd “meme” combinations for the past four days, leading friends to believe that she’s stopped sleeping and is neglecting her Family.

“I have no idea what’s gotten into her,” said Janet Williams of Cedar Ridge. “No one knows what the hell she’s saying. At first, we thought she was horsing around. You know, ‘play trolling.’ But after a week of this, we’re all thinking that she may have lost it.”

Shelly Cryptic Facebook
Friends, Family, and causal social media stalkers admitted late last week that they have no idea what she’s saying.

According to her casual acquaintances, Ms. Wagner started posting one-word status updates featuring single words like “No,” “plenty,” and “cats.” Her misunderstanding of the Internet meme was even more concerning to her friends, erroneously mixing up text from one meme on an inappropriate image. One of the more severe violations had Ms. Wagner mixing the overly attached girlfriend meme image with the text of the  “Scumbag Steve.”

According to Ms. Williams, she attempted to contact Ms. Wagner over the telephone but found that she had changed her Voicemail message to “corn dog.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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