“Santorum Slips Out” Says Spokesperson

Rick Santorum slips out.
“I’m tired of pumping every day on this hard staff of love that I call my flag,” Rick Santorum said as he slipped out of the Presidential race.

Dubuque, IA — “We believe we ran a campaign that generated a very frothy debate,” states Bethany Milbright, campaign manager of Rick Santorum for President, “we really tried to inject the things the American people care about between, and into, the dual spheres of modern politics. Things like meat, corn and just gushing bursts of great feelings for all that it means to be an American. That’s what Santorum stands for!” — ABC.CO News

Former United States Senator Rick Santorum, an anti-women’s rights and anti-homosexual activist, has suspended his campaign for the presidency citing some slippery details that he’d “rather not get into.” Santorum was widely criticized for his participation in the famous “Gang of Seven” video series while serving congressmen before becoming a Senator, and then becoming a sweet mouthpiece for the establishment GOP.

“I am tired of pumping every day on this hard staff of love that I call my flag, the flag of The United States of America, only to see a guy with a taller tower than me beat me off in the caucus,” said Rick Santorum in a sweater vest before a disinterested crowd, “I will continue to fight for America as I did before, when I was collecting money from websites and robocalls just to keep on spreading my Santorum all over young Republicans.” He assured the press that all the money went to good causes supporting the Republican message.

When asked what that message for the American people was, and why he dropped out of the race, Santorum replied, “We Republicans, the GOP, have one goal. That goal is to put the candidate forward that has the best chance at defeating Hillary Clinton in November.”

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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