The Fazzler Review: Brunswick Basin’s Food is Crap

Loretta Splittair, The Fazzler's Culture Critic.
Loretta Splitair, The Fazzler’s Culture Critic.

Grass Valley, CA I was sent on an assignment by my asshole editor to review the food and cultural offerings of the Brunswick Basin in Grass Valley, CA.

First some history, because I know readers of my columns like to get the background on something before I ridicule it. Before there was fast food restaurants and gas stations, the Brunswick Basin was a septic filled, damned pond called Lake Olympia, which served as a social gathering place for those who apparently enjoyed cholera and dysentery. Situated at the mid-point between Grass Valley and Nevada City, with the Nevada City Highway on its Western Edge, old timers tell me that it was a great spot. For ear infections I suppose.

However due to more and more development, and the tremendous amount of fecal matter in the water, they drained Lake Olympia. And that created a problem: what to do with a drained, formerly crap-filled lake? The answer was obvious. Fill it in with more crap like corporate stores, fast food joints and gasoline stations. Out with the old, and in with the same old shit.

So for this assignment, I decided to sample the offerings of three restaurants: McDonald’s, Jack in the Box and Burger King.


This is McDonalds. It looks and tastes (the food) like every other McDonalds around the world.
This is McDonald’s. It looks and tastes (the food) like every other McDonald’s around the world.

The first thing you’ll notice at this McDonald’s is that almost everyone who works there are white people, which I’m not used to. There were a few non-white people, but most were definitely white. I immediately assumed this restaurant was run by White Supremacists.

However, this is not about Aryan domination via drive-thru; it’s about the food and the service.

I ordered a Big Mac, a large order of French Fries, and a medium Coca-Cola. The Big Mac was a mess, with the top 1/2 of the sandwich sliding out of the packaging. It was no worse or better than anywhere else. The Coke was fine. The French Fries, like McDonald’s french fries everywhere else, were delicious. I wanted to make sweet love to them, but alas, they were French Fries. What is in them? Ground Babies? Soylent Green? I have no idea, but they were delicious.

Jack in the Box

This is Jack in the Box. It takes forever. But if you are stoned, you don't notice the time passing by.
This is Jack in the Box. It takes forever. But if you are stoned, you don’t notice the time passing by.

Ah yes, the Stoner’s pit stop. Where else can you get two deep-fried tacos for $.99? Answer: nowhere. I ordered a Large Coca-Cola, and it was size of a horse feeding bag. I asked the drive-thru attendant for straps to tie it to my head so I could drive, drink my Coke and text my husband, but she didn’t seem to understand the request.

Jack in the Box’s Drive Thru took forever. Whereas McDonald’s drive-thru took what seemed like 15 secs from order to order hand off, it seemed that I sat in line for 35 minutes for my two tacos. What were they doing back in the kitchen? (That’s something you don’t want to know).

Burger King

This is Burger King, which is famous for two things: 1) custom hamburgers 2) health violations.
This is Burger King, which is famous for two things: 1) custom hamburgers 2) and health violations over the years, which we’re told have been addressed. I don’t care.

By the time I arrived at Burger King, I was full and felt vomit welling in the back of my throat. So despite strict instructions from my editor, I decided to have a little fun with the place that allows me to “have it my way.” So I did just that.

So I pulled up to the drive thru speaker in my Ford Pinto and ordered this:

  • One Double Whooper
  • Add three extra patties
  • Cheese on only 3 of them (testing their basic math skills)
  • Extra Pickles (I like pickles)
  • No mayonnaise (mayo is food glue. With no mayo, the thing falls apart)
  • 2x Tomatoes
  • Extra ketchup
  • Add Bacon
  • Add BBQ Sauce
  • Add a chicken patty, grilled
  • No cheese (more math tests)

Surprisingly, I received exactly what I ordered! Kudos to Burger King! And it only cost me $15.95.

I have no real preference for any of these restaurants as they were all equally miserable. Please go to a local place to eat.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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