Starbucks Brewing Up New Coffee Colonic Service

Starbucks is experimenting with a new colonic.
Starbucks is experimenting with a new colonic.

Seattle, WA — In a bid to stay relevant and to “keep ahead of the competitive coffee curve,” Starbucksâ„¢ Corporation announced this week that it plans to augment its extensive line of coffee, teas and snacks with a new colonic/enema health care option.

“We believe it’s a real innovation, ” said Starbucks director of Marketing Bethany Millbright. “There are people out there who really enjoy their coffee this way. It’s a very under-served market.”

Starbucks says it plans to offer the new service in a variety of ways.

“There will be the self-service counter version with all one needs to administer the colonic in our cafe lounge or take-away for home,” continued Ms. Millbright. “There is a drive-thru version for those with limited time. And lastly, we are installing self-service stations within most Starbucks restrooms and partnering up with many Safeway supermarkets. And of course we’ll offer Tall, Grande and Venti bulb sizes.”

A coffee colonic or enema is an alternative health procedure of injecting coffee into the anus to cleanse toxins out of the rectum, large intestines, and liver. This procedure is considered by most medical authorities to be unproven, rash, potentially dangerous and very profitable.  Administering coffee in this way can cause numerous side effects including infections, sepsis , severe electrolyte imbalance, colitis, proctocolitis, salmonella, brain abscess, and heart failure.

However reaction from the local community was generally positive.

I love the way it makes me feel,” said Beth Packard of Nevada City, CA. “It gives me a sense of euphoria. Having Starbucks provide this service is going to be a real win for me. I can do it in drive thru.”  Ms. Packard has not visited a doctor in years. Caffeine can cause problems with dehydration and high blood pressure. Her husband Derrick worries that she will have a heart attack in a compromising position.

As for Starbuck’s new service, they plan on rolling it out in a few California test markets including Stockton, Linda, Grass Valley and North Highlands.

“We expect to have the restrooms completely retrofitted before summer for our June launch,” continued Ms. Millbright. “We already have the cafe restroom and drive-thru versions ready.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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