Study: Bacon Can Prevent Heart Attacks

A 5 year study, co-sponsored by bacon processors, suggest that eating bacon can prevent heart attacks.
A 5 year study, co-sponsored by bacon processors, suggest that eating bacon can prevent heart attacks.

Palo Alto, CA — A longitudinal study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation sponsored by the Bacon Processors of America or BPA has suggested that eating as much as 1 lb of cured, processed bacon per day might prevent a heart attack.

“I mean, there’s the data,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin pointing at page 247 of the 843 page report. “I’m not a health scientist, but I can read the data. And it suggests that eating bacon everyday can prevent heart attacks.”

The study, which involved over 1000 people from across America hand-picked by the BPA, followed the participants for over 5 years. Half of the participants ate a full pound of bacon each day, the other half did not and the last half ate turkey bacon. The only group, according to the study demonstrated an elevated risk of heart attack where the turkey bacon and the non-bacon eaters.

“It’s pretty obvious what’s going on here,” commodity analyst Jim “The Jeff” Bremfall of Morgan Stanley. “Bacon is now America’s favorite meat, so it was a good idea for the BPA to sponsor this study. However it can backfire if the ‘alternative health market’ gets on top of this. I shouldn’t have to tell you why, right?”

Because the study has not been released to the public, this has led to wild speculation on what’s driving the results. Some say that it’s the nitrate levels in cured bacon that might be the culprit. However others suspect industry collusion in the research process.

“Sheeple!” Exclaimed community activist Sairhra Ramun megaphoned to a crowd out in front of Nevada City’s New York Hotel. “There is no science anymore except for the science that big business wants you to know for the sole purpose of getting you to buy more of their crap. Wake up! And then the media, who also is sponsored by business pushes these reports onto us. Put it together. It ain’t hard.”

According to Robert Colvin, the study will be released once the BPA board of directors reviews the findings at their annual meeting in Sierra City, CA later this year.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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