Ted Cruz’s Skateboarding Campaign Video Ends in Failure

An attempt to seem relevant and hip ended badly for Senator Ted Cruz.
An attempt to seem relevant and hip ended badly for Senator Ted Cruz.

Austin, TX — An attempt to look both hip and relevant ended badly today for Texas Senator Ted Cruz as he tried to keep pace with Democratic challenger Beto O’Rourke. Mr. Cruz attempted to create buzz in his campaign by filming a video at an Austin skateboarding park. However the typically uncool Cruz added insult to injury when he fell in front of a crowd of over 1000 supporters. Making matters worse, the video went viral on social media. Although not seriously injured, he couldn’t get up for over 5 minutes, and required the assistance of several aides to get him back on his feet.

Although campaign accidents do happen–Donna Rice, crooked helmets while riding in a tank, yelling “HEEEYAHHH” all weird, paying a porn star to close her mouth for once–it’s exceedingly rare to see a politician try to out-cool his opponent. But as the Cruz re-election campaign begins to panic due to falling poll numbers and a general perception that he is a cruel and insufferable misfit, the conservative senator is growing more desperate.

“On the Left, the best and brightest go into politics. Beto O’Rourke is the epitome of the perfect leftist,” said Senator Cruz massaging his injured ankle and attempting to crack a smile.  “He’s all flash and no substance. However, on the Right, the best and brightest go make money. Very few conservatives want to endure all the nonsense you have to put up with to run for office. I’ve never made any money, so it’s a no-brainer for me. I suppose this will be my last skateboard attempt for the time being.”

The Elect Beto O’Rourke campaign immediately admonished the Senator for attempting such a silly publicity stunt.

“This is yet another example of how Ted Cruz is out-of-touch with the modern Texas,” said campaign spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “Mr. Cruz can’t balance on a skateboard and he certainly doesn’t understand how to balance the needs of your average Texan. His spill today is what you’ll get if he spends 6 more years in the Senate. Beto O’Rourke has a real plan for Texas. A steady one you can can count on. Plus, Mr. Cruz wasn’t wearing a helmet. But we supposed he just thinks that’s just more big government intrusion into our liberties.”

According to the Cruz campaign, he plans on riding area school buses next week which will certainly frighten the children, according to his critics.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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