Tropical Plants Invade North Dakota

Several species of tropical plants have taken root in the once unfriendly plains of North Dakota.
Several species of tropical plants have taken root in the once unfriendly plains of North Dakota.

Minot, North Dakota — Climate scientists are alarmed at the arrival of various tropical plants in the North Dakota’s Missouri Plateau. Several invasive species of plant life including ferns, bamboo, palm trees and several varieties of psychedelic mushrooms once only native to Maui have been founding on the once relatively barren semi-tundra plains. Experts aren’t sure how these organisms arrived so far north, but they are relatively certain why they have spread, and in some cases, thrived.

“Well, we can attribute what we once called an anomaly to climate change,” said Chief Weather Channel Meteorologist Gary “Gast” Smithson speaking during his broadcast today. “They were probably brought to the Dakotas as a joke by tourists returning from Hawaii. But the joke’s on us I suppose, because the climate has warmed so much in the region, that these tropical plants are thriving.”

What is even more disturbing, according to experts, is that this invasion is not only limited to plants.

“Well, I don’t know how to say this,” said University of North Dakota biologist Dr. Tracy Robertson, “there are birds here as well. We’ve discovered a small flock of the Hawaiian bird the nene [pronounced nay-nay] which is deeply troubling considering they are not known for their migration patterns. If it was just one animal, we’d just dismiss it. However my team has counted over 25 of them nesting just north of Minot. And more appear to be arriving.”

News of the invasion spread across the region, especially news of the rare and potent Hawaiian psychedelic mushrooms known on the street as Galerina Wow-wee, which can sell for as much as $500.00 per gram.

“So I was like, ‘Skyy, we gots to go score us some Wow-wee’,” said North San Juan resident, band leader and part-time Sierra Super Stop grocery clerk “Moonash” speaking of his friend Skyy Wolford and a possible trip together to North Dakota. “‘Those are some killer shrooms there, brah.’ But Skyy wasn’t having any of it. He’s totally paranoia after we got busted last year with our load in Nevada. Nevada is full of dicks. [Editor’s note: there was a 42 second pause as Moonash stared off into the distance] Anyhow, global warning sucks, but not for Wow-wee, man.”

According to the Trump administration, who recently announced plans to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord, these tropical organisms were placed in North Dakota by Democrats who could not get over the fact that “Crooked Hillary” didn’t win the election. The White House provided no further comment.

Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Randall 'fink' Finkelstein
Fink is a man of many words, and many web links. He likes to argue and seldom loses. Mostly because he’s well informed. And somewhat gassy.

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