Trump Bans Thespians from Military Service

President Trump in an early morning tweet announced that Thespians will no longer be permitted in the military.
President Trump in an early morning tweet announced that Thespians will no longer be permitted in the military.

Washington D.C. — In another in a long line of “governing by tweets,” President Trump announced early this morning via Twitter that Thespians have no place in the military and will be not allowed to serve their country. Later in the morning, Mr. Trump attempted to clarify his earlier message by stating that the ban had “nothing to do with Thespians as a people, but it had to do with morale” within the Military ranks.

“The President was clear that Thespians are good people,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders during the daily White House press briefing, “but there are questions of morale and cost when it comes to supporting the medical and special dietary needs of your average Thespian. Secretary Mattis is on board with these new directives.”

Prior to the departure of former advisor Steve Bannon, the now publisher and current advisor Stephen “Acthung” Miller devised a plan to purge all “non-straight” members of the military as they deemed them a threat to “American culture.” However when the idea was enthusiastically pitched to the President, he misunderstood the word ‘lesbian,” and no one wanted to, nor had the courage to, correct him.

According to a spokesperson for former Defense Secretary General Mattis, this is the first time he’s heard about banning thespians from the military.

“The General hasn’t heard of any of this,” said Mattis spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “But he did tell a gathering of senior officers that these are trying times for the United States and that the military is made of all kinds of diverse and competent individuals. He has no further comment on the issue, because he doesn’t work for the President anymore.”

It is unclear when, if ever, the President will sign an executive order banning Thespians from military service, but given his past promises, it should be a matter of a few days.

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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