Area Woman Regretting Impulse Purchases At Ross

Auburn, CA — Cedar Ridge power shopper Janet Williams regrets her recent trip to the Auburn, CA Ross Dress for Less store over the weekend. What started as a whimsical “let’s just see what they have in stock today” trip to the popular discount clothes and home furnishing store turned into a shopping odyssey as Ms. Williams filled up her Toyota Camry with over $250.00 worth of crap.

“This happens every time I go to Ross,” said an exasperated Ms. Williams in a The Fazzler interview from her Cedar Ridge home. “I just went in to see what shoes and bags they had. Because you know they’re changing all the time. And there are some real deals. Anyhow, I didn’t find either of those, but I did hit the clearance tables on the way out, and boy, I think I over-did it.”

According to Ms. Williams, she could not resist the great deals on the discount table.

“Well, I had to have that iPhone case with the fake bling. It’s all pink and blingy,” continued Ms. Williams. “I don’t even own an iPhone. My husband makes me use this Samsung thing. Maybe I’ll give it to my friend Shel. She’s having a hell of a time.”

According to witnesses at the store, Ms. Williams loaded her cart with two pairs of cheap earbud headphones, a box of caramel candies coated with sea salt, four brown bath towels, a set of 4 quart-sized martini glasses, and some adapter to mount a laptop to a television.

“I don’t even own a laptop, but I thought it was ingenious for $13.26,” said Ms. Williams as the tone in her voice rose. “But that sea salt caramel thing was just plain awful. Who does that with sugar? And the martini glasses, well I’m going to throw a party this weekend for my friends so that I can wear them. You should see them drink. They get all drunk and start talking about men’s wangers. Can I say that?”

Rounding out her purchases crammed into her Camry included two large wicker dirty clothes bins, three oversized framed prints of New York City, a chrome skull, and as many as 15 indeterminate kitchen tools, including a set of Martha Stewart spatulas and a cheese grater.

“There are just so many deals at Ross. I mean, it’s like Grocery Outlet,” said an earnest Ms. Williams. “You have to get the stuff when they have it because you won’t see it again. Too bad they didn’t have any shoes or bags, but I never leave empty-handed.”

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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