Area Dickhead Abandons Old Dick Ways For A New Dickhead Life With Jesus

North Bloomfield, CA — In what his friends call a remarkable change of events, local malcontent and self-proclaimed dickhead Don Vaca has announced that he is giving up his old dickhead ways for a new and reborn dickhead life with Jesus, using the life-changing P45-LiftPro Shake program.

“Don is such a dick,” commented neighbor Jim Malendez. “He was always coming over here and asking things like, ‘How about this heat?’ and ‘Is your wife home?'”

Across Nevada County and the rest of America, dickheads transform their lives by discovering the joys and prosperity that Jesus and multi-level marketing provide.

“I’ve changed my life. It’s like I’m a new person,” an exuberant Mr. Vaca told the Beacon. “Ever since my mentors got me involved as a distributor of the life-changing P45-LiftPro Shake Program, everything is different. Their beautiful Faith and Prosperity is what life is all about.”

Elizabeth Potheller of Grass Valley has a different opinion.

“Look, he’s just traded one dickhead practice for another. He came to my door the other day, and instead of insulting me like he normally does, he starts this bullshit mumbo-jumbo about how Jesus and the P45-LiftPro will help me realize success in life.”

Prosperity Theology: Jesus for White People

Prosperity Theology, or the Prosperity Gospel as practitioners refer to it, is a branch of Christianity doctrine that tells its followers that financial blessings are the will of God for Christians and that faith, positive speech, and donations to Christian ministries will always increase one’s material wealth. Of course, it also helps if you are a white nationalist and hate other people.

The theology is based on drunk interpretations of the Bible. Often emphasizing the Book of Malachi, the doctrine views the Bible as a contract between God and humans. If humans have faith in God, he will deliver his promises of security and prosperity. Unfortunately, it also allows modern, wealthy Christians to feel persecuted due to the justified increase in criticism and charges of hypocrisy that they receive.

“Everything is looking up,” said Mr. Vaca. “I’m on track to meet my quota a few days earlier than last month. I did have one setback when I got into a fight with the unbelievers at Grocery Outlet the other day. And the manager told me not to sell in front of the store anymore. Not cool. But no matter, life is a beautiful gift from a prosperous God. And he has us covered in the afterlife just as sweetly. It’s raining drachmas, if you catch my drift.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Gish Gallop's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

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