Area Residents Warned Not To Approach Reindeer

Nevada County, CA — The Nevada County Department of Wildlife has issued its annual statement warning area residents not to approach any reindeer during the next 24 hours. This warning is not for Nevada County Residents, who generally have a distaste for the furry, garden-eating animals, but rather at family member who are traveling from the city to spend time with their “backwoods relatives in the mountains.”

“Look, every year here in Nevada County we have all these flatlander types who come up to the area to spend the holidays with family,” said County Game Official Seth DeMartini shaking his head. “And that’s just fine. However visitors to the area have to realize that our local deer populations, and especially the visiting reindeer ones on Christmas eve are not ‘selfie opportunities.’ Do not approach or attempt to make friends with the reindeer.”

Every year thousands of Holiday visitors are injured by deer attacks around Nevada County because they are not aware that even a cute deer wants to maul them into pieces, eat all of their flowers followed by a stringent urination on their remaining body parts. However not all residents appreciate the NCDW’s annual warning.


“I just hate all these flatlanders coming up here with their liberal nonsense,” said Let’s Keep Grass Valley Green community organizer Emma Butt. “We want to keep our community insular and like it was a hundred years ago, minus the diphtheria and dysentery, of course. And the routine famines and fleas. It’s survival of the fittest and this warning is helping to preserve parts of the flock that it probably shouldn’t. You know what I’m saying?”

Some, like Jade Elscrow of Walnut Creek, CA knows first hand that Nevada County deer shouldn’t be messed with.

“Yeah, last year I came up to visit my parents on Banner Mountain,” said Mr. Elscrow in a telephone interview from his Walnut Creek studio. “Anyhow, I thought it would be cool to capture some deer for my Instragram feed, you know? Turns out, they’re not all cuddly like we think of them down in the Bay Area. Especially these Santa Reindeer. Prantzer knocked me over and crush my iPhone 6 out of spite. Then he pissed on me and flew off. What a dick.”

According to Officer DeMartini, the best advice is that everyone stay indoors until sun up Christmas morning.

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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