Biden Offers Laid Off Coal Workers Betamax VCRs

Milwaukee, WI — After touring a start-up brewery this afternoon, President Biden announced that he plans on distributing what he called “VTRs” to every displaced coal worker if the Build Back Better Act passes through the Senate.

“And I’m going to sign it the minute it hits my desk,” said President Biden before a small crowd in front of the Green Water brewing company located in Prairie Creek, just outside of Milwaukee. “And I’ll tell you another thing, every single coal worker who loses their job will get free re-training and a Betamax VTR. See, Betamax is superior to VHS, and the American worker deserves the best.”

Concerns about job losses are a frequent sticking point with Democrats from blue-collar states like West Virginia if the pending legislation passes. So getting people like Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) onboard with the Build Back Better Act is vital for passing the legislation.

“There’s stiff competition out there, and I hear from a lot of people lobbying for varying technologies,” continued Biden, “but I’m of the firm opinion that Betamax is the future. And look, they can train at home with cartridges containing supplemental courses to watch on their VTR. They tell me it’s called ‘distanced learning,’ which is perfect for a pandemic.”

During his 15 minute speech, the President talked about how much he enjoyed Green Water’s beer and the caliber of the American worker. And then he turned his attention to what he called something “close to his heart.”

“Look, we let the telegraph workers lose their jobs, and the government did nothing to help them. We let typewriter ribbon manufacturers atrophy to nothing but one dusty warehouse in Russia where Hunter used to work. Our nation did not stand up for workers when you stopped having to sign stuff in triplicate carbon copy, as the carbon copy folks were given pink slips and sent home to an uncertain future. Well, that unhealthy tradition in America needs to stop now, and I am standing up for underdog business today, tomorrow, and yesterday.”

The President’s critics say this is another example of him being out of touch with average Americans. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell criticizes Biden’s move as “pandering to the telegraph” lobby.

“I have grave concerns about the ways that another vast, reckless, partisan spending bill would hurt Americans and help China’s telegraph lobby. I will not be a party to any future effort to mitigate the consequences of Democratic mismanagement. The President’s lieutenants on Capitol Hill claimed they had lacked the mimeograph machines to distribute their proposals. We’ve seen it before with then-Senator Biden working closely with the oil lobby. We’ve seen it before with his pandering to the photograph and biplane lobby. Instead, we should be investing in space invader jobs and laser deflection shields.”

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

More from author

Related posts


Latest posts

Tim Hortons Installs Canadian Space Arm at Ottawa Location

Tim Hortons has unveiled a surprising new addition to its flagship Ottawa location: the Canadarm. Known for its crucial roles on the Space Shuttle and International Space Station, this iconic piece of Canadian engineering will now be serving coffee and donuts to delighted patrons. Dubbed the "Timbitsarm," this futuristic barista promises to bring a touch of zero-gravity magic to the everyday coffee experience, making morning routines in Ottawa more extraordinary than ever.

Louisiana Teacher Under Fire for Posting 10 Commandments in Pig Latin

History teacher Bernie Carver stirred controversy by displaying the Ten Commandments in Pig Latin, provoking ire from conservative parents. Earl "Big Earl" LeJeune fumed, "This is part of a larger conspiracy. Next, they'll be speaking French! And you know what they say about French – it's the language of the devil!"