The Fazzler’s Top 20 Death Threats

Penn Valley, CA — We here at The Fazzler regularly get quite colorful death threats from our fans. While dozens of calls and emails to The Fazzler a day are really very nice and often informative, many calls to us are quite specific about the type of grave bodily harm The Fazzler fan contacting us would like to inflict upon one writer or another.

These threats can be very scary and are graphic in nature so we all put our heads together to select some of our favorite calls, emails, and even public comments to publish here. Names are redacted to protect the goofy fucks and we’ve included the links to each story, where applicable.  Not every threat seemed to be linked to a The Fazzler story.

 

Red Dog Jane as captured by Nevada City resident Stacy Grant.

[email] Ya’ll best rejelinate that weird story about my Aunt or I’ll rip your head out and stick it on a freakin’ stop sign NOW!! She’s not a [redacted] ghost you ASSh#$2.

 

The resemblance between Bill Hicks (left) and Alex Jones (right) is uncanny.

[voicemail] Hi, my name is [name redacted], and I live in Spitsboro, Indiana. I was just wondering if that story you guys did about Bill Hicks really being Alex Jones is real. If it’s not, I will crush your head in a toilet.

 

wounded-soldier-tampon_featured

[Facebook comment] You better use tampons for your wounds when I F**KING SHOOT YOU!!! YOU DO NOT MAKE FUN OF US!!! STUPID!!!!!. I have very nice guns, and I was a sharpshooter in Irack.

 

Noah's Ark Nevada City No Wilford

[voicemail] Umm, I don’t think Noah’s Ark is in Nevada City. As a Christian I hope you burn in hell for this sacrilege. I will f**king kill you all.

 

Hooters Breast Cancer

[email] I WORK AT HOOTERS AND IF YOU EVER!!! COME INTO MY RESTAURANT I WILL PUT POISON IN YOUR ICEWATER!!!!!!

 

Chester the horse mounts Officer Eldon Paddington while Officer Neil Goodall stands by helplessly.

[voicemail] How would you guys like being raped by a horse? I’m gonna bring my horse down there to your office and make him rape you dead before you even get coffee. See how you like it. Where are you guys located?

 

 

Lake Tahoe Dam

[email] Do NOT drain Lake Tahoe!! I will crush you like a testicle!

 

 

A typical, bicycle unfriendly parking job in Nevada City, CA.
A typical, bicycle unfriendly parking job in Nevada City, CA.

[Facebook comment] This is so fake!! We do too let inmates see their lawyers. If I see you out on my beat You are going to disappear down a MINE SHAFT!!

 

Vaping Chemtrails

[bulletin board at Briar Patch] THE Nevada Count The Fazzler has gone TOO FAR. Help me burn down their office. CHEMTRAILS have pissed me OFF!!!!

 

Death Threat cell phone angry

[voicemail] Hi. Umm, I will shoot you guys. (Though, as the Sheriff informed us later, this guy was actually volunteering to make The Fazzler films for us, we all really enjoyed his voicemail. We posted his bond to get him out of Wayne Brown, and he now works for us.)

 

Death Threat 2 Dog poop

[voicemail] Screw you, The Fazzler!! You either drop dead, or I will drop you dead!!

 

Newly ascended Speaker Ted Nugent in his first "speech" to the House of Representatives.

[anonymous submission to The Fazzler] Hi guys. Here’s my idea. You guys do a story, about Ted Nugent and he hates you,,, and wants to kill you,,, And then, he comes here,,, and I will help him kill you. Then you will be dead and we will take over The Fazzler.

 

an ugly face on the black and white stripes

[email] I will pummel you. I will pummel you dead. I was the top [redacted] so you know I can do it. You are getting pummeled to death.

 

Giovanni

[Facebook comment] Giovanni was wrong. It didn’t snow and I spent 4 hours putting chaines on my wifes car. Why cant you do anithing rigt?? I will beat the next whetherman I see with those tire chains. Sorry but I hate stuypidity

 

Keith_Richards_Berlinale_2008

[email and voicemail and Facebook comment] F**Ck YOU SCOOPER!!! I will come down there with my Weatherbee 30.06 and shoot you a bunch of times. Who jokes about Keith Richards’ mortality like that? You guys are sick, and your sickness is about to kill you.

 

A young man with a cucumber stuffed down his pants

[via Skype] I am a politician, goddammit! I control you. You know what? I’m going to go down there and make sure that every cop in town knows to shoot you on sight.

 

Ryan Wolford

[email] RETRACT THAT ROUND ABOUT STORY OR I WILL FLUSH YOUR DOG’S HEAD DOWN THE TOILET!!!!

Michael Stephen
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.

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