Medical Study Will Pay You to Eat Gas Station Food

Oakland, CA — The Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF), in conjunction with the Palo Alto, CA-base Rundex Family Foundation, is looking for 420 volunteers for a 2-year long study on gas station food consumption. The $42 Million investigation looks to chart the eating habits of “the convenience food-oriented eater,” according to Rundex Family Foundation leader researcher Robert Colvin.

“We’ve been working on getting this study together for over seven years,” said Mr. Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home office. “Kaiser has been great to work with, and it’s nice to finally have the generous funding we need to conduct this investigation.”

And funding there is. Mr. Colvin says that the KFF will pay its test subjects to eat at least two meals per day at any gas station. In addition, the Foundation will reimburse participants up to $40/day as long as they provide receipts and a journal of what they ate and how they felt 30 minutes, one hour, and 4 hours after eating.

“The sky’s the limit for our participants. They can eat and drink whatever they want—gallons of Dr. Pepper. Slim Jims. And any other things that are human consumable. The Foundation won’t pay for non-edible items like motor oil, plastic forks and straws, and the counter help.”

If interested, call the Rundex Study Hotline and leave a message with your name, how they can contact you, and why you think you’d be a good fit for the program:
1 (530) 278-5046

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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