Nevada City Says ‘Historical’ Potholes Part of ‘Old Time Charm’

Nevada City, CA — In a rare moment when the city council wasn’t consumed with long-winded speeches about the dangers of Wireless 5G, vaccinations, or chemtrails, Nevada City introduced a new ordinance amending the city’s charter to include potholes.

“It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it,” said former Mayor Senum, who’s running for California Governor, during an hour-long rant in the city’s chambers. “Now that we have the 5G elites on the run and the world’s first chemtrail ban, it’s time to drive home that rustic vibe; to make Nevada City great again. This is why I’m introducing the Road Unrestoration Act of 2020.”

According to a draft of the ordinance, which still requires vetting from city attorneys, Nevada City will not only ignore existing potholes but will actively create new ones to “return Nevada City to its heyday of the 1860s.”

“Look, this is something we can do together,” continued Senum. “Much like our clean-up days, I’m already organizing crews to start picking away at our streets. And with the money we save on road maintenance, we can use those funds to defend against the millions of dollars of lawsuits we face from Verizon and other big telecom companies.”

Earlier this week, Ms. Senum was cited for furiously tearing-up Commercial Street with a pickaxe. According to numerous eyewitnesses, she spent several hours chipping away at the famous street without making as much as a small dent.

“She must have been out there for 3 hours before the police finally showed up,” said long-time Nevada City fixture Toby “Doob” Carnvale. “She was a -hacking and a-chopping away at the pavement wearing military fatigues. So I hollered at her, ‘hey Reinette, what in tarnation are you doing?’ She stopped, looked at me, and said, ‘I’m making Nevada City great again.’ After that, I just left her alone. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut about such things. Don’t want no trouble.”

The new ordinance is set to take effect sometime, we guess, when the weather gets nicer.

Roy Riffle
Roy Rifflehttps://www.facebook.com/roy.riffle.5
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Sotheby’s To Auction Off Original Prototype of MyPillow

Sotheby’s stuns with a once-in-a-lifetime auction, offering the original MyPillow prototype—purportedly stuffed with the essence of the American dream—set to redefine luxury sleep and history, one overpriced, patriotically infused bid at a time.

McDonald’s Bids Farewell to Epstein Island’s Last Golden Arches Amid Controversial Legacy

The McDonald’s on Epstein Island has shuttered its windows for good, marking the end of what the company now refers to as a "misguided adventure in international franchising." The closure comes amidst a whirlwind of controversy and a belated corporate acknowledgment that some locations, no matter how potentially profitable, are better left un-McTouched.

Bombshell Uncovered: Hunter S. Thompson’s Lost ‘Dr. Strangelove’ Audition

A recently unearthed photograph has revealed the unimaginable: Hunter S. Thompson, king of gonzo journalism, once commandeered the captain’s seat of a B-52, not in the throes of a drug-fueled fantasy, but as a contender for the iconic role in Kubrick’s 'Dr. Strangelove.' The discovery challenges everything we thought we knew about the man who lived on the edge of American sanity.