New Study Finds Vegans Less Annoying Than Anti-Vegans

Social scientists have theorized that being a pretentious dick about one's beliefs is a phase in most belief processes.
Social scientists have theorized that being a pretentious dick about one’s beliefs is a phase in most belief processes.

Santa Monica, CA — In a landmark study released today by the Pew Research Center in cooperation with the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association, scientists have determined that proponents of the anti-vegan movement are several orders of magnitude more obnoxious than vegans.

“I have to admit, this came as a pretty big shock,” said the Beef Association’s spokesperson Chris Christie. “We’ve all grown up thinking of vegans as these pushy, smug, know-it-alls trying to convert us to their way of life. It turns out that’s us,” he belched.

Indeed, all parties seemed surprised by the results except for vegans.

“This is old news to most of us,” said vegan and PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) spokesperson Pamela Anderson. “Movements like veganism start with passionate people, but over the years they calm down. I think we passed the torch on being overbearing jack-offs years ago. Now it’s more the Crossfit people.”

Social scientists have theorized that being a pretentious dick about one’s beliefs is a phase in most belief processes.

“This is something we’ve seen from atheists, born-again Christians, yoga practitioners, swingers…really anybody who just made a major life change and needs to bore the shit out of their friends about how great everything is now,” said author of the study, Professor Janice Griffith of San Fernando Valley University. “You just have to ride it out.”

Griffith offered some sympathy for vegans though.

“They’ve unfortunately been stigmatized a lot more potently than most comparable movements and while the backlash to early zealots was understandable, at this point if you’re lecturing a vegan about the wonders of meat it’s really because your life is intolerably empty and you have nothing worthwhile to talk about.”

Jon Reremy, PhD
Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.

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